Case: The Unicorn
Presented by: Lauren Baxter
This show is ridiculous; the premise is ridiculous, the costumes are ridiculous, everything is ridiculous. So obviously, I am entirely on board. And channelling my inner Sherlock to get to the bottom of these damn clues.
Assigned “The Unicorn” I immediately stoked my pipe and got to work. First though, can we talk about that outfit. Damn. Charlie The Unicorn ain’t got nothing on our girl. Alright, stop being distracted by shiny objects, Lauren - back to work. Bathing “in a bathtub full of roses”, our friend has apparently been “the princess, but never the queen”. Her first song? Beyonce’s Crazy In Love.
COULD IT BE THE *OTHER ONE* FROM DESTINY’S CHILD?!
No, that would be too much. Kneeling by my bedside, I prayed to the patron saint of reality TV. “Osher, Bachie is over - send help.” And just like that, the answer appeared to me: Deni Hines. Marcia was dubbed the Queen Of Pop in 1976. Deni is next in line to the throne. She was involved in that whole Celebrity Apprentice debacle. It works. Just remember me when you’re collecting your winnings in the office sweep. I’ll send you my PayPal details.
Case: The Wolf
Presented by: Sam Wall
Hugh Jackman is absolutely under one of those masks. I feel it in my waters.
The first clue? Channel Ten’s tweet that the show’s contestants would include a Logie winner, an ARIA winner, a World Cup champion and, wait for it, an Order of Australia recipient. Jackman became The Boy From Oz OAM just this year.
The schedule also lines up. His all-singing, all-dancing career retrospective, Hugh Jackman The Show, was in Sydney during filming.
For a motive, Jackman’s bestie Ryan Reynolds made a huge scene singing Tomorrow from Annie on the South Korean version of the series - clearly stepping on Jackman’s triple-threat turf. The two love some healthy competition and I can’t see Jackman missing the chance to show Reynolds who the true king of show tunes is.
Plus, he seems like he doesn’t take himself too seriously, as evidenced by that time smashed his beautiful face in on a zip line in front if thousands of people and laughed it off with a glass of red.
The national treasure is of course most famous for turning the X-men into fleX-men with his long-running portrayal of Swolverine - which makes me think the Wolf is a good fit.
We were admittedly a little thrown by the clue trailer, which shows the Wolf knocking a footy around. But judging from the fact he handles the ball like a wet spud he’s definitely not a player, and as well as being a famous Port Adelaide supporter there have been rumours swirling that Jackman is performing at the Grand Final this year.
Whoever’s in the Wolf suit is painted as a bit of a bad arse though, which doesn’t really vibe with Jackman’s 'sweetest man in the biz’ vibe. If he’s not Big Bad then my next best guess is the Lobster, solely because claws = snik snik.
Case: The Robot
Presented by: Daniel Cribb
C’mon Channel 10, at least make this somewhat challenging *fast-forward several weeks to when I have egg on my face*. The Robot. No clues have been revealed for this character as of yet, but the voice and dance moves (a robot doing the robot) are a damn giveaway.
It’s gotta be local dance maestro Timomatic.
While he’s often travelling the world, we know for certain he was in Sydney around the time of filming, as he played two headline dates in the city in mid and late July.
Last year he appeared as a judge on Dance Boss and has previously been a contestant (2011) and judge (2013) on Australia's Got Talent, so he knows his way around that scene well.
Plus, he’s recently dropped new music and this would be the perfect opportunity to promote that.
Case: The Lion
Presented by: Neil Griffiths
OK, If I'm right about this, I want all of the credit and admiration and if I'm wrong, I was pressured into doing this at all. BUT... I call Adam Lambert to the (Lion) stand.
So, we all know by now that all of the contestants have been smuggled in and out of Sydney with military-like execution, which brings me to Exhibit A: Lambert travelled to the city on a quick promo tour in late June (a likely story!) and was out of the country by week's end. Not to mention, he'll be back in Australia early next year with Queen on their stadium run so it's an easy plug for fans.
But here's the connection to The Lion; the clue - "As a young Lion, I entered a competition that would change everything" - American Idol! Despite finishing as the runner-up in the 2009 series, Lambert's career took off and is arguably the most successful contestant in Idol history. Actually you know what, he's Queen's freakin' frontman now. I take it back, he is the most successful Idol contestant.
As for the boxing connection, that I cannot vouch for. But hey, smoke and mirrors people. Gotta keep people off the scent somehow, right? Panelist Jackie O even admitted this week some of the clues were intentionally made to keep you off track. So, that covers that.
Remember where you heard it first. And if it's not Lambert, this never happened. Lambert FTLW*
* For The Lion Win
Not-So-Cold Case file: Other suspects also under investigation by our team are James Corden (recently spotted in a Sydney airport), Brett Lee (a singing cricketer - why not?) and Channel 10's Angela Bishop, the latter of whom was accidentally revealed by co-host Sarah Harris; although it did seems like a bit of a joke, so might not lead to anything.
It's also heavily rumoured that Jessica Mauboy is the singer under the Spider costume, with studio audience members reportedly picking up on her distinctive singing voice during filming.